Firsts

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. 
My giant boot did its best angry teenager foot-stomp with each step it took. Trying to do laundry when you live a floor below the washer and you have a fractured foot is always a fun task.

Thunk. Thunk. rrreeeeeeee

The door, perhaps jealous of my leg's new musical instrument, decided to squeak as loudly as it could.
I dropped the laundry into the washer, poured what was left of my detergent in, and selected a cycle at random. To this day, I don't know why there are so many options on a damn washing machine. All I want is one big button that says "Magically make my clothes clean".  Is that so hard?

I started to walk back downstairs. As I did, my eyes scanned the kitchen, looking for clues to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything else I came up here for.

Plant, Pots, Towels, Rug, Pug, Sink, Fridge.... Hmmm... Food. I like food. 

I opened the door to the fridge.

Brown bananas.. should throw those out... later. Milk. Guacamole packet. Olives. Sandwich. Eggs. Other carton of eggs. No, no. None of these. 

I opened the door to the freezer.

Frostbitten ham, hot pockets, roommate's stuff, vodka? no. OH. Blood Orange Sorbet?! How could I have forgotten you? 

Triumphant, I grabbed the sorbet, and a spoon, and started to hobble downstairs. I opened the top as I walked. There, the beautiful reddish orange icy mixture was waiting, beckoning me to take a taste. I took my spoon, and gently scraped it across the surface. The sorbet pushing up into my spoon's curve in a way that can only be described as almost graceful. I started to lift the spoon to my mouth.

No, no. Not like this. Not walking down the stairs. Not for the first time, anyways. It needs to be special. 

It was then that my mind heard it's self. It needs to be special? What the hell? It's ice cream, not a date with your long lost love.

It was then that I had one of my many moments of epiphany. I am obsessed with firsts. I do this all the time, and with things just as trivial as ice cream. I remember getting annoyed at my mother on a number of occasions, because we would buy a new CD of a Broadway show I really wanted to listen to, and I would refuse to hear the first time while in the car with her. I needed to be alone, in my room. To take it all in at once. To soak in it.

This is the reason I don't watch a lot of movies and TV shows, other than ones I have already seen. When I watch shows, it's rare that I have the time to give my full and complete attention to what I'm watching, and it would be the worst thing ever if I were to watch a single episode of, say, Doctor Who without being able to watch it with every speck of my mind focused on it.

I am also fairly certain that I have chosen not to persue romantic connections with people because our first date, or our first kiss... or what have you were not magical. 

It's an odd thing to ponder. I have no earthly idea why I am this way. Who knows. Who cares?

Quite frankly, this epiphany is ruining my first bites of this sorbet. 

It's funny how these things become relevant again.

A Message from John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and’neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything  more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on….. get used to the World Cup.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese