Confessions of a Child Model

When I was 8 years old, my mother finally gave in to my obsessive begging to let me take acting classes. My first acting teacher, Barbara Handcock (who had the last on screen dance with Fred Astaire), thought I was cute and rambunctious, and she encouraged me to go to auditions the theatre was holding.

That's her, in the dress. (source: IMDB)

Somehow, my precocious charm won over the casting director, and I got cast in my first play, Chess (for those of you who aren't musical theatre nerds, it's a play about chess champions and USSR/USA relations set to music written by the guys from ABBA). After working in professional theatre, I was hooked. There was no getting me out of show business at this point. So, my parents bit the bullet and got me headshots (for theatre people, headshots are pictures of your head. Not something in Call of Duty).

Apparently, they read somewhere that when you get your headshots you should take the sheet-o-choices to an agent, so they can tell you which ones work best in 'the biz'. We did this. Apparently, I was photogenic enough that the agent we went to really wanted to represent me, so she could get me into modeling.

Yeah, I don't see it either....

I should note: There are a TON of scams to dupe little kids and their over-eager parents into thinking they're getting into modeling. They'll tell you they want to make you a star, so long as you pay a couple grand to take their classes and workshops. This is not how REAL agents work. Real agents agree to represent you with absolutely no charge. They will then send you on auditions and go-sees (which is the modeling version of an audition, where the company just figures out if you look like your picture and makes sure you're not a total brat). If you get a job, they take a percentage of your pay. Anything else is a scam.

Anyway, not long after this meeting, I became a professional child model. I was doing photoshoots 3-4 times a week, and as a result of that I had to be pulled out of public school and homeschooled.

Here are some interesting tibits about my life as a child model:

• There were absolutely no diets involved. I was a skinny kid naturally. I can't speak for all child models here, but I never caught any hints that any of them ever dieted, either. We were just active, normal kids as far as that went.
• Pagent kids (or more aptly, pagent parents) were frowned upon. The very first time I worked with Clay, the photographer I did most of my shoots with, he asked me if I did pageants. A number of agents were known to scout modeling clients at pageants, and so it wasn't uncommon for models to have that in their background. The fact that I had never even considered doing pageants gave me some serious brownie points in Clay's eyes. Pageant kids tended to be much more high strung, and pageant parents tended to be.... well, not too far off from what you see on Toddlers and Tiaras. There was one pageant girl I occasionally modeled with who had such horrible anxiety from her pageant and figure skating and modeling schedule that she often plucked out her eyelashes, rendering her unable to model for weeks at a time.
• I had a shoe bag. Modeling clothes tended to all be shipped to the photographers in the same size, but the clients never provided photographers with shoes (because models foot sizes can vary so widely). This led to me having a giant bag filled with shoes of every conceivable color and style.
• No high heels or platforms allowed! The one thing we had to be extra careful of when buying shoes for the shoe bag was to avoid any heel or platform. When it comes to kids' modeling, the girls are starting to hit puberty a little faster than the boys, but photographers don't want one gender dwarfing the other. Often we'd even have to employ tricks to make the boys look taller, like making me sit while he stood, having him stand on a box out of frame, or having me crouch awkwardly.
• Very few shoots were 'on location'. Often in magazines you see pictures of people on the beach or on a street. Very, very rarely did we ever shoot any of these shots outside the studio. Shooting outside meant not having complete control over the lights and other aspects of the shot. I often opened up the weeks paper to the nice surprise of seeing a photo of myself at the beach.

That's funny, that baby next to me appears to be floating on the sand.

• Clothes were shot out of season which means that when we did shoot on location, you could guarantee I wasn't comfortable. Winter sweaters in the summer heat. Bathing suits in the winter. But part of being a model is smiling, no matter how much you hate the clothes you're in. 

I vividly remember absolutely hating the photoshoot on the left. It was 100 degrees and the sun was right in my eyes. Bonus fact: that was one of my homeschool text books. 

• Clothes often had giant holes in them. The photographers told me it was to keep anyone from having to pay import taxes when shipping them, because they clearly weren't for sale.
• As a kid, at least, modeling is way more about being professional and easy to work with than being super pretty. I was a cute kid, for sure. But there were definitely more beautiful girls out there who got way less work than me, because I never had 'diva moments'. (I once knew a girl who pitched a complete fit because the photographer had spelled her name Sunny, not Sunni on the contact sheet. Guess who didn't work with the photographer again). 
• Modeling 'families' are hilariously unrealistic. My 'mom' would often be played by 20 year olds.

No Mom, I don't judge you for having me when you were 11.

• The number one thing I learned from being a model is to never trust adverts. The number of giant sandwich clips and safety pins they use to make your clothes fit nicely for the camera is hilarious. I often looked like some sort of stegosaurus with all the clips down my back. I don't think we ever took a picture of the clothes as-is.
• There is a LOT of photoshop that goes into modeling. Even with kids. Actually, especially with kids. I was a normal 9 year old. I had scrapes and bruises all down my bony legs from playing in the woods. I was often completely covered in mosquito bites. It's amazing what a little makeup and a good photo editor can do. 

In the picture on the right, where I'm in orange, I had a fat lip from playing basketball with my dad. You'd never know. Also, there are at least 5 mosquito bite scars absent from my legs. 

• Some of the kids I worked with did go on to become famous. I never wanted to. I was happy with the success I had locally, so I never went out to LA for pilot season (not planes. TV shows). 

Those two pictures on the left are with Devon Werkheiser, star of Ned Bigby's Middle School Survival Guide. I also got to kiss Lucas Till (Havoc from X-Men first class) on the cheek a bunch, but those were all in commercials that I don't have copies of. 

• You make a fair amount modeling. I paid taxes to the government as a 4th grader. You make about $95/hr doing photoshoots, and even more for modeling commercials. That being said, if you factor in the gas money to and from location, the cost of headshots, the cost of my acting classes, the cost of my shoe collection, etc... It's not as amazingly lucrative as you might think.
• Modeling was 150% less catty and demoralizing that public school. If it hadn't been for the economy tanking and the modeling industry slowing down so much, I would have had a hard time going back to public school. I feel like I got nothing but good things out of my experience modeling. I learned about professionalism, interviews, punctuality, and responsibility. I also learned some neat makeup tricks from working with makeup artists! I worked with a ton of absolutely amazing people and I earned money for college! 

(Hey guys! I'm about to make a fancy new blog where I plan on only posting my highest quality creative writing, journalism, and science communication. If you want to help me make that dream come true, PLEASE check out my Patreon page. You'll be my favorite person in the history of all time. And remember, I know famous people. You'll be more favorite than famous people. Imagine that). 

Things that surprised an Irishman about America

So, someone posted this on facebook:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/michael-koh/2013/11/16-people-on-things-they-couldnt-believe-about-america-until-they-moved-here/

For those of you who don't click links, it's a list of things people found mind blowing about america once they moved here.

I decided to ask my resident foreigner about what he found fascinating about America.

• Cracker Barrel (Stephen has an overwhelming love of Cracker Barrel. If given the choice between going there and going just about anywhere else, he will ALWAYS pick Cracker Barrel). I ordered pancakes, and they brought me like fourteen plates of food. There was sausage and bacon and eggs and so much deliciousness. It was awesome. 
• Free refills were pretty awesome, too. You can ask someone, "Can I have another Coke?" and they'll pour it. And you ask "How much will that be?" and it's FREE. 
• Planes are like taxis. One time, I missed a plane. They were just like, "Oh, that's okay. Just catch the next one".  If you did that in the UK it'd be another $400 and a long wait. 
• There's free booze in casinos. FREE booze. 
• Deep fried turkeys. The idea of frying a whole turkey in Ireland is ridiculous. Or, how in the south you can see people barbecuing a whole pig on the back of their car. 
• People are so friendly in the south. You can walk down a street and say hi to someone and they'll say hi back. People wave at you from their cars as they drive by. In Ireland, if you wave at someone, you're going to get something shouted at and something thrown at you. 
• America is huge. It's just... it's massive. And there's so much variety. Mountains, beaches, deserts, forests..... 
• This is the only place I've ever seen dirt poor people. I mean, seriously dirt poor. People wearing hand me downs held together with rags. People talk about Ireland being poor, and it is, but it's nothing like the dirt poor people you can see in the south here. 
• Aside from that, quality of life is generally better here. Things are huge. Everything's cheap. Food is awesome. 
• That people have this weird romantic view of Ireland. St. Patricks day, Irish pubs everywhere. On several occasions I've had Americans argue that they were 'more Irish than me'. 
• Americans seem to hate their own country. living there, you don't see how huge and gorgeous your own country is. You haven't lived in just one small country all your life. So many Americans think america sucks. It really doesn't. It's pretty bad-ass. 

Then I asked him what people in America are most surprised to learn about Ireland.

• That we have cars and electricity. And tvs. And trains. People think Ireland is a little back water. We have modern amenities.
• How heavily influenced we are by American culture. (I, personally, was really surprised to hear that he had played cowboys and indians growing up. Those only existed in America, so I assumed it was an american game). 
• I have never ever eaten corned beef and cabbage. That is an american dish. Not what we eat.