Hyperactive Individuality Personality Disorder

The American Psychiatric Association has recently published a new paper on a disorder that they're saying affects 87% of the population. The shockingly common disorder, called Hyperactive Individuality Personality Disorder (HIP Disorder), is classified, according Ian Belknap, an expert on the disorder, as "phenomenon of liking something, seeing lame, annoying people liking it, then questioning everything you thought you knew."  

 Sufferers of HIP Disorder, or HIPsters, as they are frequently called by their peers, are often viewed in a negative light.  Society at large tends to look at HIPsters as elitist, snobby, and oddly dressed, but the truth is that, just like with all psychiatric disorders, the stigma surrounding HIP Disorder does very little to help HIPsters deal with this crippling illness. 

 It took a long time to identify HIP Disorder as an actual mental illness.  At first, even the psychological community thought they were just part of a generation that's having trouble adjusting to getting older. 

"We saw that happen with the Yuppie crowd," Dr. Shelly Ulyte told us in an interview last Sunday, "and we are currently doing research on a new illness similar to alcoholism, but with Botox as the drug. We recently have opened multiple Plastics Anonymous centers, and we're beginning to see mental health on the rise as bosoms and chins start to fall."

 But what causes such a high rate of HIP disorder in the 20-40 age range?  Dr. Kat Nyan, who has been studying the generation in question for a while says It's the fault of the web.

 "It's the internet, really. As much as we really like blaming psychological issues on the internet, we really mean it this time. And surprisingly, it's not that the internet allows us to see the deep filthy pits of human existence, or all the problems caused by the short attention spans required to watch hours of Youtube. The problem is all the easy access criticism. HIP Disorder stems out of a paranoia that the sufferer is going to fall into one of the many 'mainstream' categories that get so frequently insulted on the internet.  It's impossible to fit into one without meeting insane amounts of criticism. If you post about your religion, you get met with angry scientists saying you need to learn science. If you post about science, then you get met with those saying you learned it wrong. If you post about wanting to lose weight, you're met with an angry mob telling you to stop shaming curvey women. If you post about being happy with your curves, you're unhealthy and should stop contributing to the culture of obesity."

There is treatment available to help ease the symptoms for HIPsters who want to change.  Dr. Michael Hunt explains it's all about sexual promiscuity.

 "When we're attacked by others for our viewpoints, the attacker is coming out of a place of fear and hurt. They're so uncertain of their own opinion that they fear simply reading yours will cause them to lose all faith in their own arguments and, even worse, form new ones. The best way to combat that is to sleep around. If you've already given out all of your fucks, there's none left to give to the idiots on the internet"

Five things of which I am certain:

1. I am certain of nothing. 

2. The desire for certainty rules me.
3. The fear of uncertainty rules me even further.
4. I will never find certainty.
5. I will never stop searching for it, regardless. 

How to properly make a PB&J

First, you want to pick your ingredients.

The bread selection is absolutely essential. Typically, most PB&Js are served on white bread, whole wheat bread, or honey wheat bread, but you can feel free to let your creativity flow here. Ciabatta, sourdough, a sesame semolina loaf from your local Panera... even a bagel. There are some bread choices I would shy away from (such as rye or pumpernickel), but you really don't learn about how to be a culinary master without a few mistakes.

As far as peanut butter, tastes vary. I prefer a nice creamy peanut butter, but there's many who are crunchy fanboys. Also, lets not forget the healthier alternatives; Natural peanut butter also comes with the added benefit of giving you enough of a work out in stirring the separated halves together that it negates any calories in the sandwich (which means you can add Nutella without feeling guilty).

Most people, when picking Jelly, forget that there's more than one fruit on the planet. Have you ever tried a peanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich? That's right. Apricot. Gordon Ramsay would be proud.

Your next step is to get everything set out. The key to making an amazing sandwich is always preparation.

You want to lay out two slices of bread on a plate.
You want to have two knives out. This is to prevent the classic rookie mistake of cross contamination later in the process.
You want to have your peanut butter and jelly out. This step seems obvious, but I have seen many sandwich artisans forget the basics.
You want a napkin. Although a large part of learning is taking chances, making mistakes, and getting messy (or so I learned from television), there's no sense in making your counters all sticky and gross if you don't have to.

Make sure you plan out your ratios. Too often have I seen sandwiches made with far too much peanut butter or far too much jelly. This sandwich is all about balance. It's like the buddhist monk of sandwiches. An edible ying-yang.

Alright, it's time. Are you ready, brave noms-warrior? Let's get down to business.

Open your peanut butter. Waft in that nutty goodness. Memory is strongly tied to smell, and you want to be able to remember this sandwich forever.

Grab your knife, and scoop out the desired amount. Remember, grasshopper. Balance.

Scrape your knife slowly across one side of one of the bread slices. That's an important detail. You don't want that gooey paste on the side of the bread where your hand is going to be, do you? Then it'll get in your hair, and all the boys in your 7th grade class will make fun of you. Or so I hear, from... legends.

Now, put that knife in the dishwasher. I know it'll seem wasteful, but I read on cracked.com or something that dishwashers waste less water than handwashing, so do it. For the trees.

Open the jelly and grab your second knife. This is the turning point for all sandwiches. The true test of if you have enough discipline and inner peace to get the balance between sweet and nutty just perfect. This is the moment you've been training your whole life for. Scoop out the jelly, and put it on one side of the other slice of bread.

Oh man, you're so close to being done now. Do you feel it? The power of the sandwich rising in you like the dough of the ancients?

Take the slice covered in jelly and place it, jelly side down, on top of the peanut butter. It's okay to cry at the beauty of these two powerful flavors merging together at last to create gustatory perfection. I know I have.

Once the powerful wave of emotions has subsided, feel free to take yet another knife and cut the sandwich however you chose. Remember, you are the artist. You made this masterpiece. You are the reason that I am drooling right now, as I type this, imagining your impeccable sandwich as my stomach sings hymns of praise.

The time has come, now, for you to become one with the sandwich. Go ahead, have a bite. It was made for you.




((This came from the question:  "Explain how you would tell someone how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." on a job application. This is what I sent them.))