This is literally not like most other literally posts.

I saw this on facebook earlier:

Yes, indeed. Improper use of the English language will decimate our ability to understand each other. Why are so many people disinterested in maintaining the sanctity of our incredible language? I mean, it's almost as though, instead of actually studying language in school like the rest of us, they just casually peruse the grammar books and literary texts. I try to be nice, but they make it hard! I honestly don't want to come across as a bully, but when people talk like that, it just makes me nervous. And what of our morals? It's a slippery slope from bad grammar to being horribly promiscuous (and even gay) especially when even the chaperones of our kids are heard misusing English. I cannot express how much it angers me when a pretty girl opens her mouth, says something like "I could literally die right now" and I realize how dumb she is. I mean, maybe she has a fantastic personality. Great. Terrific. Awesome. But I just can't get over how extremely annoying it is when people don't know how to use this word. In this world of technology, can't we just manufacture some artificial brains to help these morons out?  Because clearly they don't listen when we try and tell them they're wrong. It's become a disaster. Lord save us. Every time I think about the future, I just see this dismal vision of stupid people everywhere. You would think it'd be simple to avoid that, but people are stubborn in their ignorance. Ugh. Maybe we can just quarantine those who don't wish to learn it correctly.

I'm just glad there's some of us who still have enthusiasm for proper English. Naturally, I will never give up in my quest to maintain it.

((be sure to click the links))

Hyperactive Individuality Personality Disorder

The American Psychiatric Association has recently published a new paper on a disorder that they're saying affects 87% of the population. The shockingly common disorder, called Hyperactive Individuality Personality Disorder (HIP Disorder), is classified, according Ian Belknap, an expert on the disorder, as "phenomenon of liking something, seeing lame, annoying people liking it, then questioning everything you thought you knew."  

 Sufferers of HIP Disorder, or HIPsters, as they are frequently called by their peers, are often viewed in a negative light.  Society at large tends to look at HIPsters as elitist, snobby, and oddly dressed, but the truth is that, just like with all psychiatric disorders, the stigma surrounding HIP Disorder does very little to help HIPsters deal with this crippling illness. 

 It took a long time to identify HIP Disorder as an actual mental illness.  At first, even the psychological community thought they were just part of a generation that's having trouble adjusting to getting older. 

"We saw that happen with the Yuppie crowd," Dr. Shelly Ulyte told us in an interview last Sunday, "and we are currently doing research on a new illness similar to alcoholism, but with Botox as the drug. We recently have opened multiple Plastics Anonymous centers, and we're beginning to see mental health on the rise as bosoms and chins start to fall."

 But what causes such a high rate of HIP disorder in the 20-40 age range?  Dr. Kat Nyan, who has been studying the generation in question for a while says It's the fault of the web.

 "It's the internet, really. As much as we really like blaming psychological issues on the internet, we really mean it this time. And surprisingly, it's not that the internet allows us to see the deep filthy pits of human existence, or all the problems caused by the short attention spans required to watch hours of Youtube. The problem is all the easy access criticism. HIP Disorder stems out of a paranoia that the sufferer is going to fall into one of the many 'mainstream' categories that get so frequently insulted on the internet.  It's impossible to fit into one without meeting insane amounts of criticism. If you post about your religion, you get met with angry scientists saying you need to learn science. If you post about science, then you get met with those saying you learned it wrong. If you post about wanting to lose weight, you're met with an angry mob telling you to stop shaming curvey women. If you post about being happy with your curves, you're unhealthy and should stop contributing to the culture of obesity."

There is treatment available to help ease the symptoms for HIPsters who want to change.  Dr. Michael Hunt explains it's all about sexual promiscuity.

 "When we're attacked by others for our viewpoints, the attacker is coming out of a place of fear and hurt. They're so uncertain of their own opinion that they fear simply reading yours will cause them to lose all faith in their own arguments and, even worse, form new ones. The best way to combat that is to sleep around. If you've already given out all of your fucks, there's none left to give to the idiots on the internet"

Five things of which I am certain:

1. I am certain of nothing. 

2. The desire for certainty rules me.
3. The fear of uncertainty rules me even further.
4. I will never find certainty.
5. I will never stop searching for it, regardless. 

How to properly make a PB&J

First, you want to pick your ingredients.

The bread selection is absolutely essential. Typically, most PB&Js are served on white bread, whole wheat bread, or honey wheat bread, but you can feel free to let your creativity flow here. Ciabatta, sourdough, a sesame semolina loaf from your local Panera... even a bagel. There are some bread choices I would shy away from (such as rye or pumpernickel), but you really don't learn about how to be a culinary master without a few mistakes.

As far as peanut butter, tastes vary. I prefer a nice creamy peanut butter, but there's many who are crunchy fanboys. Also, lets not forget the healthier alternatives; Natural peanut butter also comes with the added benefit of giving you enough of a work out in stirring the separated halves together that it negates any calories in the sandwich (which means you can add Nutella without feeling guilty).

Most people, when picking Jelly, forget that there's more than one fruit on the planet. Have you ever tried a peanut butter and apricot jelly sandwich? That's right. Apricot. Gordon Ramsay would be proud.

Your next step is to get everything set out. The key to making an amazing sandwich is always preparation.

You want to lay out two slices of bread on a plate.
You want to have two knives out. This is to prevent the classic rookie mistake of cross contamination later in the process.
You want to have your peanut butter and jelly out. This step seems obvious, but I have seen many sandwich artisans forget the basics.
You want a napkin. Although a large part of learning is taking chances, making mistakes, and getting messy (or so I learned from television), there's no sense in making your counters all sticky and gross if you don't have to.

Make sure you plan out your ratios. Too often have I seen sandwiches made with far too much peanut butter or far too much jelly. This sandwich is all about balance. It's like the buddhist monk of sandwiches. An edible ying-yang.

Alright, it's time. Are you ready, brave noms-warrior? Let's get down to business.

Open your peanut butter. Waft in that nutty goodness. Memory is strongly tied to smell, and you want to be able to remember this sandwich forever.

Grab your knife, and scoop out the desired amount. Remember, grasshopper. Balance.

Scrape your knife slowly across one side of one of the bread slices. That's an important detail. You don't want that gooey paste on the side of the bread where your hand is going to be, do you? Then it'll get in your hair, and all the boys in your 7th grade class will make fun of you. Or so I hear, from... legends.

Now, put that knife in the dishwasher. I know it'll seem wasteful, but I read on cracked.com or something that dishwashers waste less water than handwashing, so do it. For the trees.

Open the jelly and grab your second knife. This is the turning point for all sandwiches. The true test of if you have enough discipline and inner peace to get the balance between sweet and nutty just perfect. This is the moment you've been training your whole life for. Scoop out the jelly, and put it on one side of the other slice of bread.

Oh man, you're so close to being done now. Do you feel it? The power of the sandwich rising in you like the dough of the ancients?

Take the slice covered in jelly and place it, jelly side down, on top of the peanut butter. It's okay to cry at the beauty of these two powerful flavors merging together at last to create gustatory perfection. I know I have.

Once the powerful wave of emotions has subsided, feel free to take yet another knife and cut the sandwich however you chose. Remember, you are the artist. You made this masterpiece. You are the reason that I am drooling right now, as I type this, imagining your impeccable sandwich as my stomach sings hymns of praise.

The time has come, now, for you to become one with the sandwich. Go ahead, have a bite. It was made for you.




((This came from the question:  "Explain how you would tell someone how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." on a job application. This is what I sent them.))

Firsts

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. 
My giant boot did its best angry teenager foot-stomp with each step it took. Trying to do laundry when you live a floor below the washer and you have a fractured foot is always a fun task.

Thunk. Thunk. rrreeeeeeee

The door, perhaps jealous of my leg's new musical instrument, decided to squeak as loudly as it could.
I dropped the laundry into the washer, poured what was left of my detergent in, and selected a cycle at random. To this day, I don't know why there are so many options on a damn washing machine. All I want is one big button that says "Magically make my clothes clean".  Is that so hard?

I started to walk back downstairs. As I did, my eyes scanned the kitchen, looking for clues to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything else I came up here for.

Plant, Pots, Towels, Rug, Pug, Sink, Fridge.... Hmmm... Food. I like food. 

I opened the door to the fridge.

Brown bananas.. should throw those out... later. Milk. Guacamole packet. Olives. Sandwich. Eggs. Other carton of eggs. No, no. None of these. 

I opened the door to the freezer.

Frostbitten ham, hot pockets, roommate's stuff, vodka? no. OH. Blood Orange Sorbet?! How could I have forgotten you? 

Triumphant, I grabbed the sorbet, and a spoon, and started to hobble downstairs. I opened the top as I walked. There, the beautiful reddish orange icy mixture was waiting, beckoning me to take a taste. I took my spoon, and gently scraped it across the surface. The sorbet pushing up into my spoon's curve in a way that can only be described as almost graceful. I started to lift the spoon to my mouth.

No, no. Not like this. Not walking down the stairs. Not for the first time, anyways. It needs to be special. 

It was then that my mind heard it's self. It needs to be special? What the hell? It's ice cream, not a date with your long lost love.

It was then that I had one of my many moments of epiphany. I am obsessed with firsts. I do this all the time, and with things just as trivial as ice cream. I remember getting annoyed at my mother on a number of occasions, because we would buy a new CD of a Broadway show I really wanted to listen to, and I would refuse to hear the first time while in the car with her. I needed to be alone, in my room. To take it all in at once. To soak in it.

This is the reason I don't watch a lot of movies and TV shows, other than ones I have already seen. When I watch shows, it's rare that I have the time to give my full and complete attention to what I'm watching, and it would be the worst thing ever if I were to watch a single episode of, say, Doctor Who without being able to watch it with every speck of my mind focused on it.

I am also fairly certain that I have chosen not to persue romantic connections with people because our first date, or our first kiss... or what have you were not magical. 

It's an odd thing to ponder. I have no earthly idea why I am this way. Who knows. Who cares?

Quite frankly, this epiphany is ruining my first bites of this sorbet. 

It's funny how these things become relevant again.

A Message from John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You willbe amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and’neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient formof communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything  more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on….. get used to the World Cup.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

Makeup!

And now, internet, time for another blog involving me being annoyed at a common internet thingy.

Enjoy.